Lose the Battle, Win the War – Learning to lose the fight to save the marriage

Oct 21

Every couple has conflict, but unfair or unhealthy conflict can end your marriage.

Are you and your spouse drifting apart because of too much conflict? You’re not alone. Many survivors of trauma struggle with conflict resolution. In this post, we’ll explore conflict resolution and I’ll provide practical ideas on how to solve problems together without ruining your relationship.

Conflict resolution is how couples go about finding the answers to the problems they face each day. It could be as small a problem as who picks up the children from school and as large a problem as major cultural differences. Ideally, couples are able to talk about problems in a way that either solves the problems or brings the couple closer together.

Every couple has conflict, but unfair or unhealthy conflict can end your marriage. Maybe for you it’s losing your temper, saying harsh criticisms, or being defensive when faced with feedback. You may have a valid point or truly hurt feelings; but your message is lost in your delivery. How does this end? You’re still hurt, they’re still hurt, and your marriage is more damaged than ever before.

Though conflicts seem overwhelming, here are three evidence-based tools that can transform your communication with your spouse.

1) Stop talking; start listening – when spouses stop trying to be heard and start listening and reflecting back what they hear, the conflict can transform from a fight to a conversation.

2) Own your part - if you can take ownership of even one part of the problem, the tone of the conversation will shift. You don’t have to assume responsibility for everything that has gone wrong, but you do have to be honest about your role.

3) Share your feelings; not your accusations – accusations breed defensiveness and take fights up a notch. Sharing your feelings is the first step toward a constructive resolution.

When both parties can talk about their feelings, take responsibility for their role in the problem, and listen more than they talk, a problem-solving conversation can truly begin. Over time, you may find that you don’t need to yell, you don’t need to be critical, and you don’t need to be defensive. You’ve created an environment where both people can feel safe to talk about problems and where you can find a way to solve them – together.