Going Home for the Holidays After Spiritual Trauma: A Therapist’s Guide
After spiritual trauma, you may feel like every aspect of your faith has been tainted by the trauma. Holidays bring added pressure to practice your faith in a way that aligns with your family and maybe with the church that abused you. Perhaps your family understands and empathizes with your experience, but they may also not grasp why you are hurt. They may even insist that you continue to practice your religious tradition over the holidays, and maybe in the same religious setting in which the trauma occurred. You may not be able to avoid these conversations with family, but you can have a strategy for how to deal with them. In this post, we’re going to talk about a strategy you can use to cope with going home for the holidays.
Spiritual trauma, emotional trauma, and relational trauma are extremely painful but very difficult to describe. Other people are usually sympathetic when trauma is physical, but may not grasp the complex power dynamics, subtle manipulations, or emotional devastation that accompanies spiritual trauma. They may not understand how spiritual trauma is different than normal conflict situations. It may not seem threatening to them to go to a Christmas Eve service when the same pastor who hurt you is serving. “Just don’t talk to him,” they might say. But even sitting in the pews and being near that person may be very emotionally overwhelming.
As you prepare for the holidays, you are probably hoping your family won’t ask you to go to the service. Maybe you won’t have to talk about the trauma at all. But for many people, their families will pressure them to attend a service. Rather than hoping it won’t happen, it’s important to prepare for if it does happen. I’d encourage you to take time with each of these steps, writing down or talking with a friend through each one.
1) Know your boundaries clearly – What are you willing to do? How are you willing to participate in your traditions this year? You can’t expect your family to not practice their traditions, but you can be clear about what you are willing or not willing to do. Consider offering some alternatives. For example, could you attend a Christmas Eve service at a neighboring church? Could you stay home and help with dinner preparations for when they return? Be clear with yourself about your limits.
2) Make a script to tell your friends and family (and practice it!) – Writing a script may seem like overkill, but it’s going to help you nail that balance of being respectful and being assertive. Leaving it until the moment risks you either becoming more aggressive than you need to or becoming too passive. Write the script and then practice it! Practice in the mirror, practice with a friend/ family member/ therapist, practice over and over until you’ve got it down.
3) Explore how to practice your spirituality on your terms – For many people I have spoken to who have experienced spiritual trauma, they still have a faith of their own. They never stopped believing in God or cherishing the core tenants of their faith. So this holiday season, don’t let those who hurt you take that from you too. Explore what traditions still feel meaningful to you or make some new ones. Make space for yourself to encounter God, even if that doesn’t look like what your family does.
Navigating spiritual trauma is difficult and emotionally complicated. It may feel like everyone you talk to has an agenda to “bring you back into the fold” or to help you “escape the confines of religion.” Especially in today’s divided culture, it may feel difficult to find a space where you can explore the nuances. A religiously culturally competent therapist can help. Many therapy search engines will allow you to search for a person based on their experience with particular faith groups. If you’re in Clovis, CA or open to telehealth in California, I’d love to help. Learn more about therapy and take the first step toward healing today.
