Why Family Trauma Feels Harder During the Holidays – And How to Cope
The holidays can be a difficult time for many of us, especially those who have experienced family trauma. Holidays bring up stressful memories of high expectations, too much alcohol, forced social gatherings with unsafe family members, and poor behavior from adults. There’s a reason that The Bear’s S2E6 episode “Fishes” won multiple Emmy awards – it’s because that chaotic insanity felt familiar to too many of us. If you’re in contact with your family, you may have to continue to live out these dynamics each year. But even if you have gone no-contact with your family, you may still find yourself unable to shake the feeling that anything could go wrong. In this post, we’ll talk about why trauma survivors walk on eggshells at the holidays and I’ll offer an alternative way to engage with your feelings this holiday season.
First, it’s important to understand why those memories stick around. Your brain has an easier time remembering something when there are cues or reminders of that thing around. For example, seeing my lunchbox on the counter may help me remember to bring my lunch to work. When you’ve experienced trauma, this usually useful tool becomes a torture device. If you had a car wreck in a particular area of town, you may feel on edge near that area of town, reminded of that car wreck. So now, imagine you had 18+ years of family trauma and drama every time there were Christmas decorations in your home. You’re probably not going to enjoy being around Christmas decorations. Maybe you pass Christmas decorations in the store or your neighborhood and your brain detects a threat without you even noticing, making you more tense, on edge, or moody as the holidays get closer.
The common response to these traumatic reminders is to avoid the cues altogether. Christmas decorations put you on edge? It seems like not putting them up in your home would be a simple solution. But avoidance comes with a major problem – it spreads throughout your life. Maybe it starts with not wanting decorations in your own home, but you are going to see those decorations everywhere. Now you may not want to go to the store, walk in your neighborhood, or enjoy a restaurant. You’re not feeling better – you’re feeling worse. In addition, your life is getting smaller and smaller.
I want to offer a few ideas to help manage these difficult feelings this holiday season.
Exposure to the trauma cue – Avoidance is tempting, but research on avoidance shows that avoiding trauma actually exacerbates symptoms of post-traumatic stress. You have to engage with the trauma cues and learn tools in therapy to learn how to become more comfortable with them. Any effective trauma-informed therapy will have a component focused on exposure.
*CAUTION: You do not have to put yourself into physically or emotionally dangerous situations to do this. There’s a big difference between exposure to a Christmas tree and exposure to an emotionally abusive family member.
Be Intentional, Mindful, and Communal – if you’re going to tackle a trauma cue, make sure to do so purposefully and with a good strategy. Practice mindfulness or other relaxation strategies while you engage in exposure. Don’t do it alone – find trusted friend to go with you.
Seek to learn about your values – Our deepest places of pain are the greatest source of information about our values. Family trauma hurts so badly because humans innately value connection, intimacy, and emotional safety. As you experience painful memories this holiday season, ask yourself – what does this pain tell me about what I value? How can I still engage with that value now?
Trauma recovery is a journey that requires courage, but you don’t have to face this journey alone. Trauma counseling can help. A therapist can guide you through trauma-informed therapy and exposure to traumatic memories and cues. If you’re in Clovis, CA or open to telehealth in California, I’d love to help. Learn more about therapy and take the first step toward healing today.
