Healthy Attachment: The Secret to Raising Confident Kids
In my previous exploration of attachment, I looked at how anxious attachment styles can ripple through our adult romantic relationships. But where do these patterns begin? Understanding how to develop a healthy attachment in your child starts with looking at your specific parenting style. While modern trends often sway between extremes, the key to a secure attachment lies in a specific, balanced approach that fosters long-term emotional health.
TL;DR: Developing a healthy attachment requires authoritative parenting—a balance of high warmth and consistent structure. By being responsive to your child’s emotional needs while maintaining clear expectations, you help them grow into confident, independent, and socially well-adjusted adults.
The Problem with Modern Parenting Trends
Every few years, the pendulum swings a new direction in the parenting trends. Currently, people are starting to get fed up with “gentle parenting” * and are moving on to “FAFO” (F*** Around and Find Out) parenting. In reality, there is nothing new to either of these concepts. They’re both new names for old concepts.
*Note: I would argue that gentle parenting done right is a form of authoritative parenting. The problem is, it’s usually not done right.
Permissive parenting
Permissive parenting prioritizes warmth and attunement with a child. Permissive parents value self-expression and set few limits or monitoring. This can look like overindulgence or indifference toward the child. This is “gentle parenting” gone wrong. You can say, “I see you’re having a big feeling” over and over again, but not engaging in helping them self-soothe or setting any limits when they have poor behavior does not benefit children in the long run. In my experience, these parents often want to be “best friends” with their children and struggle to be the authority in the relationship. Children of permissive parents grow up to have little self-control and be sullen and demanding of others. They can be immature, out of control, and struggle in relationships.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parenting prioritizes structure and expectations with a child. Authoritative parents want unquestioned obedience and tend to be demanding while also being detached. This is “old school” or “FAFO” parenting. It’s also the parenting style behind such phrases as, “delayed obedience is disobedience.” While structure is a vital component of a healthy attachment, when it lacks warmth and empathy, it can become cold or even cruel. It also omits the reality that parents are also people with our own flaws. When you enact a boundary, it is important to reflect: are you doing this because it is best for the child, or because you are reacting out of your own anger? Children of authoritative parents can grow up to be moody, withdrawn, irritable or even aggressive, and tend to have more conduct problems.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parents are caring, but firm. They set high expectations but are also reasonable and fair. They are able to guide children into the right way of behaving, rather than merely demanding it. After all, the term “discipline” means “to teach.” They expect better from their children, but they also help their children attain those expectations through warmth, kindness, empathy, listening, patience, and proper scaffolding. In my experience working with families, the most effective consequences have focused on teaching the child to learn from their mistakes, rather than just punish them. Children of authoritative parents grow up to be confident, competent, independent, and friendly.
Authoritative Parenting at different ages
To implement this at different ages, consider these reflective questions:
What’s a reasonable expectation for this age? (if you don’t know, check out some books by reputable sources)
If that expectation is pretty far away from what they can do now, what are some steps in between where my child is now and that reasonable expectation?
How can I use fun, warmth, kindness, and firmness to get my child to engage in the next step?
Can I use this problem as an opportunity to teach them something, like responsibility, emotion regulation, problem solving, or a life skill?
If I need to set a consequence, what is a reasonable consequence? Can I make it clear, defined, and connected to the offense?
Do I need to monitor my own emotional reaction in this situation? (HINT: the answer is usually “yes!”)
Let’s look at a few sample problems:
Your 6-month-old baby never sleeps through the night.
An Authoritarian Response: Let them “cry it out.” Eventually, they’ll either figure out how to self-soothe or be so tired they fall asleep. You set the bedtime; they need to follow it.
A Permissive Response: They can’t self-soothe without me. I have to rescue them. Maybe I just won’t set a bedtime at all and they can just fall asleep when they want to.
An Authoritative Response: Make sure baby’s environment is set up for them to sleep well (e.g., dark, cool, etc.). Create a bedtime routine to help baby understand that it’s time for bed. Using the Soothing Ladder for a structured way to teach baby self-soothing.
Your 8-year-old is having trouble with completing his schoolwork.
An Authoritarian Response: He needs to get in trouble every time he doesn’t finish the schoolwork. After all, I do hard work all the time and no one has to remind me.
A Permissive Response: Childhood is for fun. Who cares if he doesn’t complete it. He’s not a robot.
An Authoritative Response: Have a collaborative conversation with him about what might be going wrong. Is he having a hard time focusing? Is he prioritizing play before homework? Communicate the importance of homework, as well as empathy for any problems he may be encountering. After all, who doesn’t have a hard time focusing sometimes? Who hasn’t missed a deadline because play is more fun. It’s understandable, but a good thing to learn how to manage. Create a plan for improving his homework completion. That could include sitting with him as he works on homework, reviewing it at night, creating a schedule so he knows to work on schoolwork first, or creating a quiet place for him to work. Each time he completes his homework, he gets a sticker on a chart that eventually adds up to a reward.
Your 16-year-old came home after curfew and lied to you about where they were. They were at a party where they drank alcohol.
An Authoritarian Response: Lock them up and throw away the key. Ground them indefinitely, until you feel like letting them do something again.
A Permissive Response: A party?! I’ll buy the alcohol! I want to be the “cool mom.”
An Authoritative Response: It’s time for a serious conversation and a serious consequence. It’s important for them to understand that they broke the law and they broke your trust. Don’t yell. Don’t call them names or fly off the handle. Be clear that this is not the person that you believe they are capable of being. Provide a clear consequence. For example, you could ground them for a few weeks and have them use the time they would be spending with friends on a Saturday to help you clean out the garage. Don’t ground them from necessary activities, such as practice for a sport.
Raising a child is undeniably difficult, especially if you are trying to parent in a way that is vastly different from how you were raised. Shifting toward an authoritative style can feel like an uphill battle, but it is the most rewarding path toward ensuring your child becomes a confident, independent, and friendly adult.
If you find yourself struggling to navigate these transitions or want to break old patterns, you don't have to do it alone. Working with a therapist can provide the tools and support needed to strengthen your family’s healthy attachment.
Click here to schedule a consultation and begin building a more secure connection with your child today.
Frequently Asked Questions About Healthy Attachment
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The "gold standard" for developing a healthy attachment is authoritative parenting. This style provides a balance of high warmth and attunement alongside clear structure and expectations. Unlike other methods, it teaches children self-regulation and independence through empathy and guidance rather than just demands.
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While gentle parenting can be a form of authoritative parenting when done correctly, it often misses the mark by becoming too permissive. Permissive parenting focuses only on warmth and lacks the necessary limit setting that children need to develop self-control.
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Authoritarian parenting—recently rebranded in some circles as "FAFO" (F*** Around and Find Out) parenting—prioritizes unquestioned obedience and can become detached or cruel. Children raised in this environment often grow up to be moody, irritable, or aggressive and may struggle with conduct problems.
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Yes, it is never too late to implement authoritative strategies. With teenagers, this involves having serious, calm conversations about trust and boundaries while providing clear, reasonable consequences for their actions. For more on this topic, check out Parenting Tips for Teens: Talking So Your Teen Will Listen. If the transition feels difficult, working with a therapist can provide the professional support needed to repair and strengthen that connection.
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Yes! Attachment is our instinctual response to relationships, but that can be addressed in therapy. Check out my most recent blog post on attachment for more.
