Parenting a Child with ADHD: Shifting Your Perspective (Part 1 of 3)
If you’re a parent of a child with ADHD, you have your work cut out for you. Your child is vibrant, creative, and adventurous, but they are also unpredictable, difficult to direct, and seemingly never run out of that energy. You’ve likely considered your options – do I tell them they have ADHD? Do I tell the school, or will they be treated differently? Do I give them medication or will that lead to greater problems later on? Since ADHD is genetic, you may also be processing through what worked (or didn’t work) for you, your partner, or another loved one in the past and wondering what else could have been done.
In this three-part series, I’ll discuss how our fundamental perspective on ADHD needs to change from a disease model to a strengths-based approach, how medications have both pros and cons, and some alternative options to medications.
To Treat or Not to Treat?
In my practice, I’ve met a number of adults who didn’t find out they had ADHD until adulthood. Some of them have even asked their parents – did you know? – and have been met with a surprising answer. “I just didn’t want you to be labelled.” Yet, these adults have suffered from their own problems – social anxiety, behavior problems, academic underachievement, and substance use. They’ve wondered for years what was “wrong with them,” and wished they could have had more supports in place to help them succeed. The research mirrors my experience, suggesting that untreated ADHD in childhood can have various negative outcomes.
Potential consequences of unmanaged childhood ADHD include:
Academic & Professional Obstacles: Academic underachievement, unemployment, and persistent money management problems.
Emotional & Mental Health Toll: Increased rates of chronic depression, social anxiety, and suicidal thinking.
Strained Relationships: Higher incidences of divorce
Behavioral Risks: Increased rates of substance abuse, driving accidents, and legal difficulties or criminality.
(French, Daley, Groom, & Cassidy, 2023, Okumura et al., 2021)
Fitting a Square Peg into a Round Hole
On the flip side, I’ve met many adults who were treated for ADHD as children and resent the years of forced medication so they could pretend to be “normal.” The approach taken by their parents and educators was to “fix” their ADHD, rather than understand what approach works best for them. They were frequently criticized, rarely praised, and constantly pushed to be like everyone else. In my experience, these adults can have low self-esteem, high levels of anxiety, and still have no idea how to manage their ADHD.
When I’ve spoken to parents of children with ADHD, they sometimes feel at a loss for how to help their children learn certain necessary life skills. They are also exhausted from the constant redirection efforts. I often hear things like, “I shouldn’t have to tell them three times,” “I don’t get it; they are so smart,” or “I’m just so tired.”
This disease model of ADHD is like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole – ultimately fruitless and frustrating for everyone. While children with ADHD certainly need to learn particular life skills, they simply won’t be able to do it like other children. That does not mean we give up and do everything for them. It means we have to figure out how to make the hole a square one. How do we create situations that effectively challenge ADHD children to succeed?
A Strengths-Based Model
A growing number of professionals are starting to talk about a strengths-based model of understanding ADHD (Archer, 2015; Nordby, Guribye, Nordgreen, & Lundervold, 2023). . ADHDers can be highly creative, thinking about problems in new and innovative ways. They are adventurous and curious, open to new ideas and experiences. They are more likely to think flexibly or be resilient with challenges or changes occur. When engaged in hyperfocus*, they can become experts on a subject from hours of determined study. I’ve also observed that ADHDers are not phased by crises, but instead feel focused and competent.* When we can understand the strengths of ADHD, we can build upon those strengths to help them overcome their weaknesses.
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Scholars are increasingly starting to view ADHD as less of an issue with being able to pay attention and more an issue of deciding what to pay attention to. To an ADHDer, boredom is excruciating, and therefore they are extremely reluctant to engage in tasks that they find uninteresting. However, when interested in a subject, they can find themselves lost for hours in study. I’ve known fellow therapists with ADHD who can read psychological literature for hours, only to look up and find it’s the middle of the night. You’ll often find an ADHDer that is a “Renaissance Man,” having a multitude of skills and interests. The key is helping an ADHDer to wield their attention and hyperfocus to their benefit.
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Example: Ben is an 8 year-old boy who struggles to remain focused in school and is often hyperactive. He runs around, climbs on things, and can’t control his body, leading to frequent accidents and falls. Ben loves baseball, so his parents decide to put him into a little league baseball team. In order to be good at baseball, Ben has to learn to tame his body and focus his mind. His coach doesn’t mind his unlimited energy – but he focuses it into something productive. And since Ben loves baseball, he is able to use that passion, drive, and hyperfocus to his advantage. Along the way, his brain is developing important neuronal connections that are going to help him use those same new skills in other areas, like school. And since it’s faster to learn through play than through direct instruction, Ben learns these skills faster than he would if someone tried to teach them directly.
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During the Los Angeles fires last year, many of my clients who lived in LA were very anxious. My ADHDers were laser focused. Each of them had a plan for if they were evacuated, a list of essential items to take, and a cool and calm demeanor. In my experience, crisis doesn’t cause the ADHDer to crumble, but to rise to the occasion.
Helping children with ADHD means figuring out not what should work, but what does work. Forced compliance through criticism or only medication won’t help your child learn how to manage their ADHD effectively. Yes, you should be able to tell them a list of chores once and they should complete it. Yes, they should be able to complete their homework without help. But their minds do not work that way. They will need to have one task given to them at a time. They will need incentives and praise to get tasks done. They will need a tremendous amount of patience and creative thinking. But if you can figure out what will work for them, you set them up for a lifetime of understanding themselves, learning what works for them, and learning to manage what doesn’t.
In part two of this series, we will dive deeper into the pros and cons of medical interventions. If you are currently parenting a child with ADHD and want to establish a supportive, strengths-based environment in your home, reach out today to schedule a consultation.
Interested in Learning More?
Here are some of my favorite books for a strengths-based perspective on ADHD:
The ADHD Advantage by Dale Archer
ADHD 2.0 by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey
References
Archer, D. (2015). The ADHD Advantage. Penguin Publishing Group. http://api.overdrive.com/v1/collections/v1L1BcAAAAA2A/products/4e89b73e-995c-4a5e-b1bc-a1605cd4b8b5
French, B., Daley, D., Groom, M., & Cassidy, S. (2023). Risks Associated With Undiagnosed ADHD and/or Autism: A Mixed-Method Systematic Review. Journal of Attention Disorders, 27(12), 1393–1410. https://doi.org/10.1177/10870547231176862
Nordby, E. S., Guribye, F., Nordgreen, T., & Lundervold, A. J. (2023). Silver linings of ADHD: a thematic analysis of adults’ positive experiences with living with ADHD. BMJ Open, 13(10), e072052. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2023-072052
Okumura, Y., Yamasaki, S., Ando, S., Usami, M., Endo, K., Hiraiwa-Hasegawa, M., Kasai, K., & Nishida, A. (2021). Psychosocial Burden of Undiagnosed Persistent ADHD Symptoms in 12-Year-Old Children: A Population-Based Birth Cohort Study. Journal of Attention Disorders, 25(5), 636–645. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054719837746
