Why You Get Stuck in Negative Thought Spirals—and How to Break Free
Negative thought spirals can take any small emotional problem and turn them into a days-long curse. Many people struggle with negative thought spirals, and this problem may be even worse for survivors of complex trauma. You may not have had the support you needed in learning to solve emotional problems as a child, making it difficult to know what to do. In addition, that small emotional problem may trigger memories of traumatic moments, making you feel even worse. If you’re also a mom, you may not have all day to spend coping with being triggered – you need tools that work now. In this post, I’ll share about what causes negative thought spirals and offer alternatives to help you better manage emotional problems (without the spiraling).
Negative thought spirals, or ruminations, are the repetitive and obsessive focus on negative thoughts, feelings, or past events, without reaching a solution. Negative thought spirals have the appearance of helpfulness – maybe if you could think the problem through, you could resolve it. This is an understandable strategy. After all, many of our practical problems can be solved with thinking them through. However, this can become unproductive quickly, leading to increased feelings of anxiety, depression, helplessness, and more.
The problem is that these negative thought spirals are trying to get rid of or control these emotional problems. Research tells us that attempts to get rid of or control emotions actually leads to higher levels of those emotions, less ability to cope with them effectively, and less control over your behavior (Hayes & Smith, 2025). This cycle of control makes our pain deeper and deeper, while also draining us of our energy and vitality, making it harder to do the things that matter most to us.
Let’s look at an example:
Melissa had an emotionally abusive parent, and she wants to give her son a better childhood than the one she had. When her son misbehaves, she often feels angry and frustrated with him, leading her down a thought spiral. She questions what is wrong with her, what kind of mother would feel this way, and if she is exactly like her parent. She wonders if she could just know the answers to these questions, wouldn’t she feel better and more confident as a mom? Meanwhile, she is becoming more agitated and less clear on what she should do to manage her son’s behavior. Sometimes, she ignores him completely and lets him misbehave; other times she yells at him. She knows neither is helpful, but she can’t figure out what to do differently.
If thought spirals lead to more emotional pain and less control of our behavior, then we need another solution for dealing with emotional problems. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers us an alternative. We can make space for our uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, noticing them without becoming lost in them. We can open ourselves up to our emotional experiences, even if those are painful, so we can live our lives more completely. “Instead of trying to feel better, [ACT] involves learning how to feel better” (Hayes & Smith, 2025).
Here are three practical tools I want you to try this week:
Notice the thought spiral happening and observe it with curiosity – it sounds simple but noticing something is the first step to addressing it.
Focus on one of your most uncomfortable thoughts and say it out loud, adding the phrase, “I notice I’m having the thought that…”. For example, “I notice I’m having the thought that I am a bad mom for being angry.”
Notice where in your body you feel emotional. Do you have a knot in your stomach? Do you have a headache? See if you can observe this pain without judging yourself for having it.
Let’s take another look at our example:
Joan also had an emotionally abusive parent, and she has similar goals to Melissa in how she raises her daughter. When her daughter misbehaves, she also feels angry and frustrated with her and has similar thoughts about herself. Instead of engaging with her thoughts, she uses an ACT technique – “I notice I’m having a lot of self-judgment for being this frustrated with my daughter.” While she still feels angry and frustrated, she is not blinded by the thought spiral and is able to remember her parenting plan for her daughter’s misbehavior. She is able to engage in that plan thoughtfully and mindfully.
This blog post can barely scratch the surface of this topic. These techniques can be counterintuitive, particularly for the trauma survivor. If you’re already in therapy (especially CBT), this may even feel contradictory. I want to encourage you to look at the resources I have below. I also want to encourage you to reach out to a therapist if you don’t have one. Therapy can be a safe space to explore these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Therapy can also help you apply these concepts to your particular life and situation. Being a cyclebreaker is hard work – you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re in Clovis, CA or open to telehealth in California, I’d love to help. Learn more about therapy and take the first step toward healing today.
Interested in more resources? Check out the following links:
Hayes, S. C., & Smith, S. X. (2025). Get out of your mind & into your life : the new acceptance & commitment therapy (20th anniversary edition). New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Harris, R. (2022). The happiness trap : how to stop struggling and start living (Second edition). Shambhala.
