You’re Not Coping - You’re Avoiding
Coping can be a difficult problem for trauma survivors. A major aspect of post-traumatic stress is avoiding people, places, or even thoughts/ feelings that could remind you of the traumatic event.
For the complex trauma survivor, this poses an even more difficult problem.
While other children were observing and learning from their parents as they coped effectively with problems, you may have watched your parents become unsafe when their stress levels got too high. While other children had a supportive person to help them manage their early stressors, you may have gotten in trouble for being upset, even in reasonable circumstances. It is then understandable to want to avoid emotional problems – you may feel that you lack the skills to cope or that feeling those emotions is bad or wrong. The problem is, coping means dealing effectively with problems, and it’s impossible to deal with a problem if you are avoiding it.
In addition, our culture seems better at avoiding, doom-scrolling, or “vegging out” than it does truly coping or relaxing (see last week’s blog on some no-cost ideas for relaxation that you can do today).
What is the difference between coping and avoiding?
It seems obvious when we look at the definitions – coping is dealing with the problem and avoiding is not dealing with the problem. It also seems obvious when we look at behaviors – coping with house chores is doing them and avoiding is not doing them. It gets much more complicated to determine the difference when we are talking about our internal experiences, like thoughts, feelings, images, bodily sensations, or memories. Sometimes, the very same activity can be coping or avoiding these experiences, but our motivations may be wildly different.
For example, Sally finishes a hard workday and calls a friend to talk about it. She gets a chance to talk about her feelings, gets some helpful advice, and relaxes in the safety of a good relationship. She is allowing herself to feel her uncomfortable feelings and work through them with a friend. On the other hand, Joe finishes a hard workday and calls a friend to vent. He rants and complains about the day and finds himself more worked up by the end of the conversation than he did at the beginning. Joe has let himself experience anger and annoyance, but he hasn’t really let himself feel the more vulnerable experiences, like worry, insecurity, or disappointment.
In another example, Paul is worried about his bills, so he sits down with his finances and figures out a new budget. Paul used the worry as motivation to get something done. On the other hand, Anna ruminates about money constantly, trying to argue with herself that her finances are probably fine and she’s just worrying too much. Anna tried to get rid of her uncomfortable thoughts and feelings by arguing with them and trying to control them.
It is understandable to want to avoid painful internal experiences – who wants to relive their painful memories or have insecure thoughts? The trauma survivor may have even more reasons to avoid these experiences if they feel emotions are unsafe/ wrong or they lack the skills to cope with them. However, avoiding our feelings comes at a terrible cost. There is a substantial amount of research that examines how emotional avoidance actually makes emotional problems worse over time, leading to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, or other mental health problems (Hayes & Smith, 2025). In addition, many trauma survivors pick up bad habits and lifestyle choices to try and avoid their problems, leading trauma survivors to be more likely to experience heart disease, cancer, and other diseases (see the groundbreaking ACE research). Lastly, the amount of time and energy that trauma survivors put into avoidance is high, and it means less time and energy for things that you truly value.
My hope at this point is that you’re asking – ok, so what do I do about it?? The answer on paper is simple – stop avoiding your thoughts and feelings. That is much, much harder in reality. And if you’re experiencing post-traumatic stress or complex trauma, it will likely be difficult to do on your own. A therapist can guide you through tackling your avoidance while also working to heal your trauma. If you’re in Clovis, CA or open to telehealth in California, I’d love to help. Learn more about therapy and take the first step toward healing today.
Interested in more resources? Check out the following links:
Hayes, S. C., & Smith, S. X. (2025). Get out of your mind & into your life : the new acceptance & commitment therapy (20th anniversary edition). New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
